Victoria Lee

I knew darned well that upon Obama’s inevitable win there would be one heck-of-a-gaggle of exceedingly disgruntled ultraconservatives squawking about. Yet, I am quite baffled with their ongoing obstinate indifference to the election results: They remain doggedly steeped in their tired cattle-call of “repeal and replace”! Seriously. The day after the election, the esteemed (retired but still Texas Gov.) Rick Perry proclaimed that he is again/still calling for the repeal of Obamacare.

In the past, Perry has hollered for Texas to entirely secede the union as a solution to the entire Obama "problem." Other states are also summoning 25,000-signature petitions for secession, but Texas, with its annual threat/promise to do so, is the natural leader of the pack, which makes it perfect exemplary fodder for my sarcastic-self/alter-ego. I do not hold animus for Texans, per se (shucks – my best friend is from Texas); I appreciate that there is a huge population of admirable, progressively minded Texans, yet I cannot resist the beautiful mockery that Texas otherwise offers.

I suppose the idea of a country Texas-free is supposed to elicit some dreadful national sentiment. Shoot: What the hell has been holding us back? Texas, so fond of the phrase of “repeal and replace” and so proud of its self-proclaimed Republic status (it thinks itself more than a mere state) status: Let’s take it up on its secession already. I say we simply repeal its inauguration – it can replace itself. Those elsewhere petitioners can all go down and join up; all ultraconservatives would be welcomed with that down-home Texan conservative hospitality.

I say, “Later, dudes!” And enjoy your secular ultraconservative small government utopia. Ban all regulations and taxes – the repeal of estate, property and business tax laws is now unnecessary. Without federal restriction, they can bolster their firearms and completely do away with all of that equality mumbo-jumbo. No need to repeal or replace the Voter’s Rights Act of 1965, much less Roe v. Wade. Texas already functions without income taxes, which is usually the given reason for its heavy on reliance on federal funding, but surely this innovative bunch will make do with privatized police, fire and emergency companies, even in the case of an unforeseen disaster.

With Perry at the helm and no taxes, Texans could do away with all of those detested social services they so wholly despise. Welfare programs would be abolished: Medicaid, Medicare and Social Security (being so opposed to it tells me that these sturdy folks don’t mind forfeiting their lifelong savings to that retirement plan). With pay-as-you-go healthcare and no requirement for insurance; they will finally have the opportunity to prove that church charity can alone care for those not quite with the financially stable program. Texas can take its "low taxes, low services" ideology to “no taxes, no services” without a peep from the peanut gallery.

In terms of industry, Texas has it all for self-sufficiency. The elite infrastructure of job creators is already running full-throttle with some 350,000 to prod the flocks. And, without a care for the unique Texas landscape, they can rip it to shreds with their oil fields and mine to their hearts’ content – all that Texas gold will support them for a couple of generations to come. Furthermore, with the elimination of OSHA, workman’s compensation insurance, vacation and sick pay, the Family Medical Leave Act, 401-K plans, and unemployment benefits, production costs will decrease dramatically allowing for even greater profits. No unions mean no strikes, which consequently infers that cost-of-living wages won’t (can’t) ever be an issue.

Land abounds for them to cram their herds into inhumane pens and to cultivate their own crops. New-Republic Texans can virtually eliminate illegal immigration by stooping in their own fields, leaving that unfathomable 1.2 million without viable work; they will gladly self-deport. Of course, once the Texas agriculturists who’ve made their fortunes off of that loyal base realize a profit-margin decrease there may be some regret, but who gives a durn once their dirty little secret is known?

Naturally, public education will be eliminated in lieu of home-schooling – and without birth-control, there will be plenty of that fundamentalist-indoctrination to be done. No more frettin’ little heads over evolution, global warming, ecology or any other abstract concepts involving that science crud. Without child labor laws, the kids can head straight out to the fields right alongside the women, fair-wage worry-free.

Socially, conservatives would thrive: No longer forced to intermingle with we progress-minded idiots, their amygdala-based fears will subsequently subside. In terms of entertainment, they’ve already got two football, three basketball and two baseball teams – they probably wouldn’t even notice their playing one another repeatedly. Texas is amply churched for their Sunday socials; the empty schools can be converted into 4-H Club hubs; and, all of those closed librul-thinkin’ colleges can be repurposed as coliseums for livestock shows and revival shin-digs. No gun laws translate to no pleasure in shooting ranges but, with those imaginative minds, who knows what they’ll come up with in its place?

One problem – and it is major: There are a great many lovely non-ultraconservative Texans, and I would hate to place them in the position of having to fend for themselves in such a bound-to-be-prejudicial environment. No one deserves to live in such an inevitably tantamount state – I mean Republic – of regression and repression: We’d have to devise a well-devised escape-route for those unwelcome, progressive-minded ‘others’ (perhaps with a way to keep Austin in our folds). I sincerely sympathize with these particular Texans, but I still think it to be the most reasonable place for our more ardent whack-jobs to reside.

For the life of me I don’t know why this secession thing isn’t fait accompli. Of course, the true patriots would remain with the country, keeping us all on an even keel and we would continue to move forward in collaborative, bi-partisan spirit with conceivable societal solidarity goals. I’d question the ultraconservative mental survivability without its steady fare of acrimonious hostility, but I’d sure as heck like to see them try.