James Stotter

This just in...recent government analysis shows the 99 percent are now down to 47 percent! A spokesperson for the nonpartisan Congressional Bureau of Obfuscation (CBO) said this shows the efforts of both the Obama Administration (with its towering new debt, record number of executive orders, its Chicago-style approach to compromises with the Republican-controlled House, the president not wasting his time with his Jobs Council, and his blaming others) and the Federal Reverse Board are beginning to take hold.

Interviewed later on NBC and MSNBC, the networks that made “liberal media” into one word, the empty chairperson of Occupy Wall Street (OWS) discussed the situation. He said a large number of pink slips will be issued soon, “We really hate to let anyone go and swell the ranks of the one percent. But with labor costs what they are including mandatory healthcare, we must outsource some of these positions to foreign ringers or to our OWS demonstration center in India, where there is a much stronger work ethic about not going to work.”

The OWS spokesperson went on to say the 47 percent seems like an irreducible minimum for the foreseeable future. In fact, in the official transcript of Romney’s statement about the 47 percent, he footnotes CBO as the source of who wants to work and pay taxes. The spokesperson also said “Romney’s words pretty accurately summarize the CBO report.”

Analysts and spokespersons from both parties agreed this report will be a game changer. Debby Wasserperson, the Obamacrat Congressperson from Florbamida, said “This report proves Romney never knew what he was talking about!”

Today, Harry Reid announced that he owes Obama so much for all the Chicago style help The Prez gave him in his very tight 2010 re-election, that he will say whatever Obama tells him to say. Then, Rahm Emanuel, who resigned as Obama’s first chief-of-staff, (He did that to get elected mayor of Chicago because he wasn’t getting enough Chicago-style politics in The White House) said, “The (expletives deleted) economic recovery finally got its (expletives deleted) ass in gear. President Obama blew that (expletives deleted) Osama bin Laden’s (expletives deleted) brains out. End of story.”

In the other camp, Sen. Rand Paul, grandson of the late and legendary Ayn Rand, and son of Congressperson Ron Paul, is a favorite with the Teed Party. Sen. Paul said “Romney really nailed it! As you know, my father is always speaking out against excessive government and the dangers of making people wards of the state and the loss of liberty that brings. My grandmother wrote numerous books and articles with the similar messages. So I was really glad when Mitt hit the nail on the head. Atlas only shrugged but Obama’s trying to fundamentally transform.”

Herman Cain, the staunch conservative Republican said, “This report is a big plus for Romney. Obama’s plan is to tax those who have just started earning so he can make them become wards of the state again. They will resent that and back Romney.” Cain, a favorite on the late night shows, is the former chairperson and CEO of Godfather’s Pizza which the Obamacrats know only as Father’s Pizza.

(DISCLOSURE: This column is intended as political satire.)

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