Victoria Lee

I somehow doubt that, while hammering out the concepts of protecting individual liberties, the Framers of the Constitution intended to shelter one’s personal freedom to be an unmitigated jackass. Now, some may argue otherwise, but I contend that unadulterated jackassism infringes upon the rights of others.

Is it just me or are people scurrying around half-cocked these days? Perhaps I have selectively fond memories of genuinely good-natured people smiling at one another in casual greeting. In contrast, it seems that nowadays every chance encounter is teeming with animosity and the potential for a high-stakes calamity. People are generally nasty, cantankerous and perpetually pissed-off – on the defensive and the verge of going off – just expecting someone to rain on his/her little parade. I’m hoofing it alone in a herd of jackasses.

And, I love how people get really bent just because I appear to be having a fine day. Apparently so put off by the simple virtue of my not exhibiting jackass tendencies, their own need to do so is further enhanced. Don’t mistakenly drive near one of these obstinate jackassed-types with one of those sweet “Practice Random Acts of Kindness” bumper stickers; you’re bound to get flipped the bird whilst you are cut off – just for the gentle-hearted principle of the thing.

I dare say that this recent upsurge in public jackassedness may have a direct and positive correlation with the initiation of the Tea Party’s revival tactics and its so-called equality-based nonsense. This odd group of “freedom fighters” (are they fighting freedom?) has quite penetrated the rebel-American culture with its hypocritical “philosophy” (or whatever it is). Conflictingly both nonchalant and defiant, it at once challenges one to stand one’s ground and make one’s day. Any given circumstance is fraught with the personal liberties of these dissidents pending assault (damn it all to tarnation). It is as if every moment has vast potential to present them a fresh hostile challenge. They strain to come off as a bunch of good ole boys but that charm is wearing thin. It kind of loses its appeal when you consider the deadened look of emotional absence in their dim eyes – absent, that is, of anything but that periodic eerie gleam of audacious defiance. It’s the same thing with the jackasses; all up in a tizzy over nothing that they perceive to be something.

The thing that really befuddles me is the conundrum of the Tea Party’s central concepts pertaining to “equal” rights. The recognition of rights for “others” (meaning anyone who isn’t one of them) is somehow an “erosion” of their own. A group inherently opposed to regulation, perceives no problem with regulating those rights that (again, somehow) impede upon their ubiquitous universal belief-system. That is, like, a double-helix of duplicity! (Don’t worry: They obviously won’t realize that that doesn’t make any sense.) The irrational pride that these bad-tempered folks take in defending their “rights” (most of which aren’t even up for the trampling in the first place) makes for a fantastic round of mutual jackass hoop-la at the end of a trying day, that’s for sure. And, also for one larger world of uncompromising discontent.

Running on the excessively irrational fear of losing their God-given (Constitution-protected, really) freedoms, these conservative extremists invariably encroach on those of all others. While they freak out about the iniquitous (albeit unlikely) taking away of their guns (a non-issue but to keep the NRA financed), they attempt to put the fear of that ever-loving God into the rest of us. While they holler about their loss of “family values”, they threaten the rest of us with going to hell. While they piss and moan about “their” taxes assisting our own less fortunate, they fan us with their flames of perceived unpatriotic non-support of war elsewhere. While they run around like a bunch of dip-shits, they dare everyone else to get out of their durned way, or else. That’s just jack-asinine.

These folks seem to be under the impression that they are the sole authority on the Constitution (perhaps because it pertains only to them) and that they have the exclusive advantage of interpreting the objectives of the Founding Fathers. I’m fairly convinced that the intentions of those fine men were running parallel to the ideal that, with independence guaranteed, the people of this nation would have more time to do right by one another (it’s called a society) rather than being all-consumed with being a jackass in lieu. So, forgive my doubt in the profound accuracy and understanding of these Tea Partiers, as I instead perceive them to be only perfecting their boorish brand of libertarianism into one of ultra-jackassism. Their oxy-moronic stance in support of personal freedom, while consequently diminishing that of others, is quite a leap in reasonability, to be sure. I have grown accustomed to such oblivious and jackassed inconsideration – the irrational complexity of its ignorance lies in the apparent simplicity of it all.

Conservatives stand united with assured indemnity in the presumption that Progressives, Democrats and Liberals present an automatic united front against individual rights. Contrarily, that is precisely what we stand for – just not arbitrarily. We really only oppose their hyper-selective application of freedom and rights. After all, defending civil rights is our forte but, in the true spirit of jackassedness, that somehow becomes for them an opposing notion. We bolster the Constitution and the rights that it grants us all – even the jackasses.

So, the next time I’m whistling in the grocery store, please kindly don’t park your Tea Party-driven cart in the middle of the aisle and give me that sideways glare that speaks, “I dare you to (politely) ask me to move this hulking heap on your behalf.” Your extremist brother just might have similarly hit me up already, thus, impelling me to go all jackass on you in kind. I just might not let you stand your ground and I just might make your day. …

America: Land of the free. (Home of the crankiest of jackasses.)

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