Darren Richardson

Feb. 14, 2012

In introducing to the world to what one imaginary food critic is calling “the greatest co-mingling of distinct tastes since chocolate met peanut butter,” The Punditty Project is pleased to share its latest culinary discovery with the masses on Valentine’s Day in hopes of bringing dietary delight to all who enjoy the act of eating, especially those who won’t be kissing anyone today. Or tomorrow, for that matter.

“When I first heard of chopped onions and popcorn, I thought it quite daft,” said internationally renowned food critic Sir Artemis P. Blubber. “And yet, the moment I tasted those two tastes in one bite, I knew I was tasting nothing less than a revolution – aye, a ‘revelation’ – in snacking.” Blubber went on to heap praise on the food combination, waxing poetic for nearly 20 minutes on the miracle of two separate foods uniting and re-emerging as one synergistic combination even more powerful and popular than both originals. After calling chopped onions and popcorn the “undisputed food fad of 2012, but a fad with the staying power to outlast the Mayan calendar,” Blubber made his now-famous chocolate and peanut butter comparison and was widely quoted on the Imaginary News Network (INN) in a 90-second segment that ran 39 times in 24 hours.

Like so many great discoveries, this culinary creation came about by accident. Punditty and his pal Mike “Moose” Boozer were wolfing down some chili dogs and popcorn while watching “Bait Car” videos when some of Punditty’s chopped onions fell off the chili dog and into the popcorn. Without hesitation, Punditty reached in for a handful of goodness just as some idiot tried to drive away in a car that wasn’t his.

“I knew right away I was on to something,” Punditty said in an exclusive interview with himself. “I lost interest in ‘Bait Car,’ something that had never happened before. It was disorienting, but I trusted that it would be positive, and it is.” The reaction around The Punditty Compound seems to be confirming his initial thoughts.

“I like to eat my chopped onions and popcorn – or ‘chopcorn,’ as I call it – right before I eat a couple of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups,” said Candy Sue Hollandaise-Rice, a Berkeley, Calif., resident and landscaping intern at the compound. Hollandaise-Rice also is a culinary student who takes online classes though a distance-learning course based in Battle Creek, Mich. “By following the tasty combos up one right after another, I’m hoping to tap into that spark of genius that led Mr. Reese and Mr. Punditty to their respective historic discoveries.”

Hollandaise-Rice is said to be pursuing a grant from a major agribusiness conglomerate for her work concerning avocados, pineapples and turkey bacon – the elusive “Trio of Tastes Triumph” or “3T” as it is known to those in the taste industry – but she would neither confirm nor deny those rumors.

Part-time toothpaste spokesman Sammy “Mitt” Challoshes, famous in some political circles for being the only other guy named “Mitt” other than Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney and equally famous in certain poetic circles for having a last name that rhymes with galoshes, spoke highly of the innovative combination.

“Chopped onions sprinkled over popcorn is an exciting new way to enjoy snacking – and if you’re eating at night, the lingering taste in your mouth will serve as a gnawing reminder to brush those teeth and gums before bedtime,” Challoses prior to brushing his teeth for the 97th time that day. In his defense, he was filming a toothpaste commercial during the interview.

As of press time, Punditty was not yet in negotiations with a multinational snack manufacturer for his proprietary recipe, but he will be sure to let readers know when, if ever, chopcorn becomes a widely stocked supermarket snack item.

NOTE: This is the part that says CLEARLY LABELED SATIRE. It was published in the FUNNY section of Allvoices.


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