Following a bruising defeat at the hands of former Pennsylvnia Sen. Rick Santorum, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney has decided to change his campaign strategy.
His new strategy includes a sweater vest.
The former Massachusetts governor announced Wednesday that he’ll start wearing sweater vests for the remainder of his campaign. He unveiled his very first vest at a town hall in Augusta, Maine, just days before the Maine primary.
“I thought I was getting traction with my flannel shirts,” Romney told reporters after the town hall. “They started as a prop. We had a fake hoedown at Bain to celebrate a restructuring, and we thought it’d be funny to do the whole ‘shirts off their backs’ thing… Anyway, they turned out to be great for campaign stops in certain states. But I guess that isn’t enough anymore. It’s time to step up my game.”
The move comes after a devastating blow to Romney’s campaign at the hands of Santorum, who won caucuses in Missouri, Minnesota, and Colorado by a 2-to-1 margin.
The day after the caucuses, Romney went to JC Penney in South Portland with his wife, Ann, to buy sweater vests.
“I think it’s important to buy from stores that value American workers and sell products made right here in America. That’s why I’m at JC Penney. It’s an all-American store that sells all-American products, and I’m proud to wear them.”
In the end, he purchased six vests, all sporting “Made in China” tags. He made special note of three vests in red, black, and green.
“Each color represents what I want for America. Black symbolizes America being back in the black… financially, that is, not in any other way. Red symbolizes my party’s color, and I want this to show I’m as red as any other Republican in the race. And green is the color of money, because who here doesn’t like money?”
After critics blasted Romney for his emphasis on money in a flagging economy, Romney said he misspoke when he said that. “What I meant to say was that green represents the natural beauty of this great country.”
After fellow candidate Newt Gingrich accused Romney is being a closet environmentalist, Romney clarified that he misspoke when he talked about natural beauty.
“What I really meant to say was that I chose green because they’re the color of my wife’s eyes.” He then looked at his wife and replied, “Yep, that’s why, because she has green eyes.”
Reaction to the sweater vest was mixed among Maine voters. One man said it made him look more like a grandfather, which made him seem more presidential. Another attendee was less positive. “It makes him look like my dad. My dad used to drink and beat up me and my mom. Think THAT will make me want to vote for him?”
The sweater vest will appear at campaign stops in Arizona, Michigan, and Washington State.
Disclaimer: The above piece is a work of fiction. Any quotes attributed to real-life figures are written for satirical purposes only; like senatorial speeches about Planned Parenthood, they are not intended to be factual statements.