In response to Rick Perry's ringtone mocking Mitt Romney's "I like being able to fire people" gaffe, Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich's campaign has created a talking life-size doll of the GOP frontrunner.
"This doll will remind voters that Mitt Romney has destroyed more jobs and profited more from the misery of ordinary Americans than any other Republican in history," said Gingrich at a town hall in Hampstead, New Hampshire. "I mean, we want free-market capitalism, but not like this."
When users pull the string on the back of the doll, they hear one of Romney's most memorable phrases. Among the choices: "Corporations are people, too"; "I'm also unemployed"; "I'm running for office, for God's sakes"; "I'm a business guy"; and of course, "I like being able to fire people."
While the Romney doll stands in a default taut straight position, the knees bend so users can place one foot on a haystack, and the arms bend so users can place one hand on the doll’s hip.
The doll has been a huge hit among Gingrich supporters so far. All 10 of them had rave reviews for it, including new Gingrich endorser Todd Palin.
According to Palin, the husband of former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, "I heard they brought in Calista's makeup guy to do the face. I've seen it. It looks really creepy and plastic. But it STILL looks more lifelike than Romney."
The doll is expected to go on sale on the Gingrich campaign website for $499.95, but campaign volunteers may buy one at a discounted price of $489.95.
“The discount is my way of rewarding people who understand the value of hard work,” said Gingrich.
But the premiere of the doll took an interesting turn later in the day. After Speaker Gingrich made the announcement and the crowd began to disperse, Texas Governor and GOP candidate Rick Perry was seen trying to make a $10,000 bet with the doll.
Meanwhile, at a meet-and-greet at a diner in Nashua, a resident, who had read about the Mitt Romney doll in his friend’s blog, attempted to manipulate the doll and pull the string, only to discover that he was actually touching Gov. Romney himself. The man was arrested at the diner, but no charges have been filed.
Upon hearing about the Romney doll, former presidential candidate Herman Cain announced his own plans to create a doll. He said the doll, tentatively called the Herman Cain Exciting Outside Washington Doll, will say “9-9-9” whenever someone presses a button on his crotch.
Disclaimer: The above piece is a work of fiction. Any quotes attributed to real-life figures are written for satirical purposes only; like senatorial speeches about Planned Parenthood, they are not intended to be factual statements.